How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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