Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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