i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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