ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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