im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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