I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
