I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
