My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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