I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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