I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
