exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
