There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
