i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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