I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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