nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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