I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize