Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.