Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
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It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.