you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
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He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
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i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?