It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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