update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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