While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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