woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
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Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
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You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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