shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
