I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
