TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
