You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Green mimosas i think yes
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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