Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
