Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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