She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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