I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
