I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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