she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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