We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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