sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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