um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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