so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
