a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
