Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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