Moan for me like Helen Keller
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
