I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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