He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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