I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Hippo gnu deer
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
