my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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