are you still at the devil's house?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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