youre lurking in front of me
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
