i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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