I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
