You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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