No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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