Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
