my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I DEMAND FORESKIN
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
