Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Randomize
