I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
