The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
