I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
