Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
