Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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