she looked like the bat from fern gully.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
