I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
